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I have no idea what I'm doing.

You know, I thought I was burnt out back in April.

But since then, things have just gotten downhill.

 
ruminating by the Barcelona beach

I feel fucking terrible about my life right now.

Its been this way for nearly this entire year so far, and I’m not expecting things to change anytime soon.

Somehow I’ve come to see the world in the most depressive, negative, cynical way I’ve ever seen it before.

And I can’t shake it off.


All the habits, all the routines that I identified myself with in the past - Gone.

Reading, Dancing, Gymming, Meditating.

All dropped.

Healthy sleeping, eating habits? Goodbye.

Now its potato chips (crisps for my UK mates), beer and 3am insomnia Netflix binging sessions.


Expenses have been flying through the roof too. I’m spending nearly triple what I was a year ago, and no, inflation is definitely not to blame.

So the amount I invest each month has therefore dropped, and the mental ‘diamond hands’ alpha mentality I had towards investing is now hanging by a thread. Living on a prayer. If most of my investments weren’t locked up either in my condo or through staking, I imagine my financial situation would look a lot worse. I would paper hands, itchy fingers and mess my net worth up.


Things at work are okay, I suppose. Work-life balance is good.

But again, strap on the negative lens, and all I bring to work is bad vibes.

Bosses, colleagues, asking: “Eugene, you seem distressed. Is everything okay?”

I’d reply: “Yeah, I’m good.”

This happens at least once per week.


 

swordbearers for military wedding
back when everything seemed so well-put together

What’s going on?


I feel like I used to have a grip on life.

Now I feel like I’m just holding sand in my hand.

The balls I used to juggle have since fallen.

Loads of missed opportunities.

Zero progress.

If anything, its a regress.

Time is fading away. No, rushing away.


Why can’t I sort myself out?


Or, why not just rest?


Why not just see this period of your life as a phase for recovery?


Take some time to rest, to ‘find myself’, and things will go uphill again.


But what does ‘uphill’ even mean?


I question my career choices, investing choices, broader life goal of being a digital nomad, travelling the world, designing games, writing, investing, gaming, working for LEGO or Mindvalley or Sky Mavis or Tesla.


Looking at them now, it all feels so shallow.


So what if I have a shiny new house, if there’s nobody to share that space with me?

So what if I have 10,000 followers if I don’t have one quality friendship?

Why make all this money, why travel the world, if only as an escape from the reality of my current path?


 

well, this fresh Spanish octopus is a pretty good reason why.

I don’t want to lose, so I fold and walk away from the table.

I've been running away for so long that there’s nowhere left to run.

All the bridges have been burnt, all the earth behind me scorched.

Friendships deteriorated, relationships… commitment issues on my end, too avoidant, etc.


I know the things I could be doing, the things I should be spending my time with - all the ‘good’, ‘healthy’ habits for self-improvement.


But I have no motivation to do any of them.

The inertia has just gone straight up through the roof.


And its a vicious cycle of wasting my time scrolling Youtube or social media, then beating myself up for wasting time.


Relationships?


A couple of months back, I read Men Without Women, a collection of short stories depicting different men in exactly the situation that the title describes.


Recently I’ve been thinking a lot about that book, particularly a few key ones where the men deteriorate when they don’t have a woman by their side.


So I thought that maybe the problem was loneliness.

Being by myself for too long that I get too comfortable in it. I lose myself in being by myself.


So I sought out to change that.


Find a girl.


Some girls.


Hasn’t been working out. Sorry to disappoint.


Maybe they aren’t the right ones?


But if I ask myself, truthfully, there is nothing wrong with these girls.


The problem lies within.

 

looking fresh but feeling dead inside

Ignorance is Bliss

I feel like I used to be totally lost - I had zero clue what to do, how to think, etc.


When you are totally lost, totally fresh, actually life is very simple.


You either follow someone else’s plan, or you just jump on the first thing that comes to mind. Because there’s nothing else. There’s nothing to decide between. Nothing competing for your time.


But when you have genuine things, projects, people, worldviews, competing for your time, attention, energy, mindspace, then things start to get messy.


I don't want to talk much about routines or habits - the whole productivity space is overflowing with that stuff.


The struggle I face is more of mindspace. That there are so many ways to view the same issue. Even labelling something as an issue is a kind of mental framework or lens that you view the world by.


Which way of viewing the world do you choose? which is the right one?


What is the right way to look at relationships? Are we musical instruments coming together for an orchestra? Are we team players in a sport? Are we playing traditional masculine and feminine roles? Which is the best way to view it?


How do we even determine what is ‘’best’? Is it the view that brings us the most happiness? the least regret? the greatest peace of mind/calm?


I have no idea.


The more I ruminate on these things, the more I realize how little I truly know. How much of my worldview are simply assumptions - shortcuts in my thinking to save me the effort, time, energy that comes from all this philosophizing.


All I’ve realized is that we have the power to shape the world through how we choose to view it. We just squander this power away. Willingly. But perhaps choosing to exercise that power comes with a cost. That in trying to view the world in the best way possible, we miss out on actually living life. Experiencing it.


And so, I have no idea what I am doing. But if you think otherwise, or simply want to join this journey, then do support with a simple subscribe! I publish one blog entry at the start of every month - I don’t have the time or capacity to write any more often than that, nor do I have enough interesting things in my personal life to create content with, so here’s a most definitely non-spammy, heartfelt blog that would very much appreciate your reading and support 🙂